Today was an unexpectedly hard day. A couple of weeks ago I went to the doctor to get help for what I thought was my runner’s knee.
First of all, when I was in my 20s, running was all but everything to me. I jogged several evenings per week for health, fitness, and enjoyment. I loved it and competed in numerous 5Ks, 8Ks (never any marathons!), and overall I just loved running. I loved the feeling of my feet hitting the pavement and the rhythm of my breathing. I especially loved running in winter! No matter how cold it was, I didn’t notice once I started running.
About three years ago after a normal evening of running my usual 3 miles, my knees were suddenly so weak I could barely stand up. It took me two weeks to get over the weakness in my knees. During that time I could barely walk without my knees shaking. It was crazy, but I chalked it up to what I thought was runner’s knee, and that was the last time I ever ran a 5K.
Since then, every time I try to run (which is barely more than a mile these days), the same knee weakness happens. So I finally went to the doctor, fully expecting to hear a diagnosis of runner’s knee. Instead, through a series of questions, I heard (to my shock) a possibility that I might have MS.
Fast forward through the last couple of weeks, I have had one test and a visit to the orthopedic doctor – along with a lot of emotional roller coaster ups and downs. I was sure today’s visit to the orthopedic doctor would yield a diagnosis of something related to my knees, but instead, the doctor said my knees looked great and he thought something else was going on.
In just over 2 weeks I’ve had 2 different doctors mention the possibility of MS.
Needless to say, I am still processing all of this. I have two more tests next week and am scheduled to see the neurologist in January. It may be awhile before we find any answers.
As I have thought about all of this I have prayed. I feel sad, but my prayers have been full of praise. That probably sounds odd, but my prayers are not filled with pleas for me not to have MS. I may have it or I may not. Right now while I do not know, I just praise my Father because He is helping me in this weakness I am experiencing and have been experiencing for three years. Mainly I am sad that I cannot just go outside and take off jogging anymore. My legs are too weak to let me do that.
I have felt fear along with the sadness. Fear of the unknown, fear of a possible diagnosis. I mourn whatever my physical limitation is, whatever its name until the day we find out what is going on. Maybe it is a different neurological disorder, or something easily treated. Maybe there are other physical issues going on that we may find out this week. Or, maybe I do have multiple sclerosis. We simply do not know right now. Through my sadness, I do feel peace. I think it must be the peace that passes all understanding (Philippians 4:7).
But for tonight, I will sit and enjoy this beautiful fall evening. I will treasure the time with my husband and son. I am letting myself feel sad. And grateful. And confused. And frustrated. And weak, helpless, and not in control. And as I feel all these things, I think about the beauty of these flowers. Matthew 6:28-31 – “And why do you worry about clothes? See how the lilies of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will be not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? So do not worry…”
I look at these beautiful flowers. I took these pictures before any of these doctor visits, before I knew anything of the possibility of MS in my body or anything neurological going on. They haven’t changed. And my Father loves me - and you - just as much as He loves these beautiful flowers. I rest in His love and it is the most beautiful place to be.
Thanks for stopping by! I'm a student turned teacher turned writer turned part-time tutor, postcard hobbyist, and landscape photograph enthusiast. I have zero formal training in photography, but I love the art of visual documentation. I lived the first 30 years of my life in Oklahoma until I made a major life change (long story and I'd love to tell it sometime!), met my husband, moved to Marshall, and became a bonafide Missourian. My husband Derick owns our hobby shop, and we have a 2-year old son Rafe who loves just about everything these days (except spinach). If you ever see me around town with a camera pointed at a sunset, please say hi. I'd love to be friends. :)